The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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