my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
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