I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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