There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
