Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
