i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
