Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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