If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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