My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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