so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
