I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
