Will you blow on my dice?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
