Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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