I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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