Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize