It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
