I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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