Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
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