wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
