apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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