my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
