I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I think I just sharted jello shots
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
