So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
