I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
