Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Randomize
