When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
