what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
