We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
