I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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