At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize