watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize