Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
