my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
