We named our party play list daddy issues
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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