Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
