Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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