Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
