Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
