we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
