Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
you will always have a special place in my vag
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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