too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
