stop calling my apartment porn island.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You ruined the universe
Randomize
