I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
