the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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