the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
