Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
