seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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