Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
