every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
