I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
