I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
