How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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