You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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