So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize