Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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