I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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