as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Randomize
