I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
