I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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