you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
It's just like the Real World with babies
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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