I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
