And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Randomize
