$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
