i already hear my dad disowning me
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize