Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize