you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
