I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
