Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
