she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize