I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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