I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Panties = found
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
