She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
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